it's so funny feeling like you're not good enough for someone. it's a constant battle between what you wish were true and what you know is true. sometimes the delusion and the fantasy overtakes you, and it's so dangerous. you become entranced in what if's, the maybe's, and the way they hugged you for a couple seconds longer. sometimes i feel like i make it all up in my head. like it's one-sided. and then he looks at me like i'm the only person in the world. sometimes i feel like all i want is him. and then i want him as far away from me as physically possible. sometimes he calls every single night, and sends things that makes him laugh. and then he disappears and his voice is cold and he is distant. i want to let it go more than anything. i wish i could tell him how i feel, for the closure, but whenever i almost spit out the words, my throat closes and my mind goes blank. i think i put it off. subconsciously i believe that if it remains unspoken then there's a possibility he does feel the same way. i'm scared that if i say it, he won't even remotely relate. and then it would be true. i really would have made it all up in my head. making pancakes in his kitchen and watching movies and laying under the stars in his backyard wouldn't have been anything but manipulation. that's what i'm scared of most. all i want to know is that he cares about me. it's all i want. 

it's almost like i'm in love with the chase, not even him. there are periods where we are very close and periods where we are very far. when we are close i almost dismiss him. but when we are far i'm pining.

i watched him grow, a little. he's different now.