the sunshine of a spotless mind

 it's so funny feeling like you're not good enough for someone. it's a constant battle between what you wish were true and what you know is true. sometimes the delusion and the fantasy overtakes you, and it's so dangerous. you become entranced in what if's, the maybe's, and the way they hugged you for a couple seconds longer. sometimes i feel like i make it all up in my head. like it's one-sided. and then he looks at me like i'm the only person in the world. sometimes i feel like all i want is him. and then i want him as far away from me as physically possible. sometimes he calls every single night, and sends things that makes him laugh. and then he disappears and his voice is cold and he is distant. i want to let it go more than anything. i wish i could tell him how i feel, for the closure, but whenever i almost spit out the words, my throat closes and my mind goes blank. i think i put it off. subconsciously i believe that if it remains unspoken then th...

 it dissolved and coursed throughout my bloodstream. i felt like i was walking underwater, the anger and the sadness that constantly loomed over me vanished before i could put a finger on where they'd gone. my demons were silent and i felt like the ocean. the feeling was strong yet subtle, like i was being embraced in a warm, ongoing hug. no one specific emotion overtook me, i was more at peace than i'd probably ever been in my entire life. this was the feeling i'd been searching for.