it's so funny feeling like you're not good enough for someone. it's a constant battle between what you wish were true and what you know is true. sometimes the delusion and the fantasy overtakes you, and it's so dangerous. you become entranced in what if's, the maybe's, and the way they hugged you for a couple seconds longer. sometimes i feel like i make it all up in my head. like it's one-sided. and then he looks at me like i'm the only person in the world. sometimes i feel like all i want is him. and then i want him as far away from me as physically possible. sometimes he calls every single night, and sends things that makes him laugh. and then he disappears and his voice is cold and he is distant. i want to let it go more than anything. i wish i could tell him how i feel, for the closure, but whenever i almost spit out the words, my throat closes and my mind goes blank. i think i put it off. subconsciously i believe that if it remains unspoken then th
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it dissolved and coursed throughout my bloodstream. i felt like i was walking underwater, the anger and the sadness that constantly loomed over me vanished before i could put a finger on where they'd gone. my demons were silent and i felt like the ocean. the feeling was strong yet subtle, like i was being embraced in a warm, ongoing hug. no one specific emotion overtook me, i was more at peace than i'd probably ever been in my entire life. this was the feeling i'd been searching for.
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expectations are funny. it's almost impossible to not have any. they're either high or low. but if you've been let down by someone enough, expectations seem to trickle away completely. nothing they do surprises you, because it's merely a rendition of their behaviour from a thousand times before. you're hope for them to be better escapes with every beat your heart skips each time you realize what's happening. then you come to the gut wrenching realization that your faith was placed wrongly. they never had any plans on changing from the beginning. they never cared to.
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i wonder if they were ever happy together. truly happy. so in love they felt it leaking out of their hearts, coursing through their veins, itching beneath their skin. a love they couldn't contain, a love they would have the privilege of sharing with one another. a love so rare, that so many want but may never get in this lifetime. if they ever were, it's sad how they ended. maybe love was never meant to last forever.
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"are you happy?" "nothing to be mad about. i'm mediocre." people reach this point in their lives where they stop searching for happiness, if they ever searched at all. they decide mediocre is enough they fall into a rabbit hole of someday's and maybe's, the for more and better begins to dwindle until they've grown comfortable with being just being alive instead of living.
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there's this emotion that all of us seem to crave, and when we feel it, we know it so well. it's difficult to put into words, so we communicate it through music, art, and dramatic metaphors. most adults i know seemed to have misplaced this feeling somehow. it slipped through their fingers as they made their way to ultimate maturity. emotionally, their eyes expose it, the abandoned home of the joy that might've once lived there. i've met some that still house the spirit of a child, though. they grew old but their hearts remained young and vibrant, it radiates through their aura. i never want to lose it. the spark in all the little things that make us feel more alive. i will keep writing, i will keep finding new and unique ways to express myself, until others can experience the electricity coursing through their veins, through my work. it's sad that such extreme emotion is associated with the negative connotation of 'being childish' when really, it's just