the sunshine of a spotless mind

 expectations are funny. it's almost impossible to not have any. they're either high or low. but if you've been let down by someone enough, expectations seem to trickle away completely. nothing they do surprises you, because it's merely a rendition of their behaviour from a thousand times before. you're hope for them to be better  escapes with every beat your heart skips each time you realize what's happening. then you come to the gut wrenching realization that your faith was placed wrongly. they never had any plans on changing from the beginning. they never cared to.

i wonder if they were ever happy together. truly happy. so in love they felt it leaking out of their hearts, coursing through their veins, itching beneath their skin. a love they couldn't contain, a love they would have the privilege of sharing with one another. a love so rare, that so many want but may never get in this lifetime. if they ever were, it's sad how they ended. maybe love was never meant to last forever.

"are you happy?" "nothing to be mad about. i'm mediocre." people reach this point in their lives where they stop searching for happiness, if they ever searched at all. they decide mediocre is enough they fall into a rabbit hole of someday's and maybe's, the for more and better begins to dwindle until they've grown comfortable with being just being alive instead of living.

there's this emotion that all of us seem to crave, and when we feel it, we know it so well. it's difficult to put into words, so we communicate it through music, art, and dramatic metaphors. most adults i know seemed to have misplaced this feeling somehow. it slipped through their fingers as they made their way to ultimate maturity. emotionally, their eyes expose it, the abandoned home of the joy that might've once lived there. i've met some that still house the spirit of a child, though. they grew old but their hearts remained young and vibrant, it radiates through their aura. i never want to lose it. the spark in all the little things that make us feel more alive. i will keep writing, i will keep finding new and unique ways to express myself, until others can experience the electricity coursing through their veins, through my work. it's sad that such extreme emotion is associated with the negative connotation of 'being childish' when really, it's just ...